Living intentionally

"Christ has no body on earth but yours, no hand but yours, no feet but yours. Yours are the eyes through which Christ's  compassion for the world is to look out. Yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good; and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now."- St. Teresa of Avila

Romans

12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

I do not know what offering up my body as a living sacrifice looks like most of the time. Probably because I choose not to ask. I have a feeling it means not conforming, approving what is good, not thinking I am awesome and loving other better than I love myself.  This is called

Missional living. 

I think it means living with the intentional purpose of being a light to everyone you meet in everything you do. I think it means making time for people, and giving up stuff. Realizing that people are not the inconvenience in my schedule but my schedule was structured to fit people in. 

A man asked me to help him find the exit out of the emergency department when I was working the other day. As I left my assigned area to take what I thought was going to be a few seconds to lead him through the maze to the exit, we begin to talk and I realized a few things:

* He was homeless

* He was not from this area

* He has a substance abuse problem

* He believed no one cared about him or valued his life

What I expected to be a few second conversation ended up being a few minutes of conversation between us, and then me running around asking others about resources and finding him again and trying to verbalize without being my normal awkward self that he was valued... but then my brain reminded me that I had other patients, and others reminded me that it wasn't my job to follow through with him as he wasn't my patient and was being difficult and then I got self conscious and tried to moon walk my way out of our conversation once I gave him a bus pass and some snacks. 

and here's the worst part:

I walked down the hallway away from him and thought "that was really nice of me".

It was really nice of me to consider this inconvenience in my schedule and give him 2 minutes of my busy schedule. I am such a great person because I walked to the nurses desk asked a question, got some snacks and walked back to this poor man that no one cared about and had a conversation with him.

I really think too highly of myself and my time. I really value other's opinions over God's and this needs to end now. 

My prayer this week is to be overwhelmed by the love of God, that I would have genuine compassion for people so they don't become inconvenience's and I don't  become my own God. I want to live out this old school audio adrenaline song:

I've abandoned every selfish thought

I've surrendered everything I've got

You can have everything I am,

And perfect everything Im not,

I'm willing

I'm not afraid 

You give me strength when I say:

I want to be your hands,

I want to be your feet

I will go where you send me...

And I will try to touch the world

Like you've touched my life

Who I want to be

The Lord has told us what is good. What he requires of us is this: to do what is just, to show constant love, and to live in humble fellowship with our God.- Micah 6:8 


I have had just a little over one months worth of working experience as a nurse rotating through Cone Health's emergency departments and have learned soooooo so very much! It has been very challenging and has pushed me to evaluate and re-evaluate myself, my ambitions and the kind of nurse I want to be. Having such a potentially chaotic schedule and realizing how much nursing school has NOT taught me I sometimes feel overwhelmed. My schedule seems daunting at times, and caring for people all day can be so exhausting that I just come home and want to hibernate or isolate myself from others. This is often the result of not spending time with God and living out my day the way I should- doing what is just, showing constant love and living in humble fellowship with him 24/7.

 I realize that each day I am presented with many  little choices that will effect the kind of nurse I am and will become. I have worked with some amazing people that have showed me aspects of the kind of nurse I want to be and some others who have shown me what not to do. So here is my kind of running list (what I've know so far) of how I want to care for my patients:

I want to be compassionate. I want to genuinely care about your well-being. I don’t want you to just think that I care,  or even worse think that I don’t care. I want to show you by being present with you every time I encounter you that how you are feeling is important to me.

I want to learn safely. I never want to pass an opportunity to learn because I’m to busy or self-absorbed. I believe this is my best chance to grow and further serve you and others. I want my learning to provide mutual growth and in situations where it cannot I want to the best of my ability for it to not cause further harm to anyone. If  I don’t know something I will look it up or ask someone because even if it is not important right now it may be some day.

I want to practice with integrity. If I say something I don’t want you to wonder if I will be true to my word or not. I forget a lot of things, so I will do it immediately, or write it down or ask you to remind me again. If I don’t know that answer I will tell you that I don’t know and then ask someone that does or consult my BFF epocrates. I will not lie in documentation. If I didn’t listen to it I won’t write down that I did. If I didn’t ask you I wont pretend that I did.

I want to be understanding. Whether I have gone through a similar situation or not I haven’t gone through your life, so I wont begin to assume that your pain and emotions are not real. I will treat you with the respect I would wish to have in that situation. I will not gossip about you at the nurses station.


I want to pray for you. It most likely won’t be out loud, and you will probably never know but for my peace of mind and your safety I will bring up your mental, physical and most importantly spiritual well-being to the God of the universe and ask him to give me the wisdom and compassion to care for you to the best of my ability and HIS. If I’m your nurse, you should probably pray for you too!

I don't want to be an idiot anymore!

“Don’t be terrified of them. God, your God, is leading the way; he’s fighting for you. You saw with your own eyes what he did for you in Egypt; you saw what he did in the wilderness, how God, your God, carried you as a father carries his child, carried you the whole way until you arrived here. But now that you’re here, you won’t trust God, your God—this same God who goes ahead of you in your travels to scout out a place to pitch camp, a fire by night and a cloud by day to show you the way to go.” - Deuteronomy 1: 29-33

I see the Israelites in the OT as dummies. Straight-up, nonsensical, foolish people. I mean they have seen God divide oceans, turn water into blood, turn the skies into pitch darkness ect. & when God tells them He will continue to carry them to the place He has promised they don't trust that He is capable of because the people that live there are oober tall.

Idiots.

Yeah, so that's pretty much been me! Every prayer I've had these past weeks God has answered:

• When planning stand-by flights to Seattle, I asked God to make it happen if that's where He wanted me & when He made it happen, I started worrying that maybe I should've been at home studying. 
• In regards to jobs, I prayed that God would open the one door He would want me in and close all the other ones... & then I have been freaking out when every hospital I have applied too hasn't been throwing offers at me, but one has given me an interview. 
• I asked God to help me pick a date to take my Boards, and then when there was only one option left in this month, I freaked out because it was so soon!

Idiot.

I don't want to be an idiot anymore!!!!!

God offered me peace, in every situation, & I chose to worry instead. Which was silly because either way God is still trustworthy and holds my future. 

Tomorrow, I take the biggest exam of my life so far- the dreaded NCLEX aka nursing boards. Today, (& I'm praying tomorrow as well) I choose not to worry because if I pass, God is  faithful, sovereign & loving! If I fail, God is still faithful, sovereign & loving. When I begin to worry I will (...need you to remind me) remind myself of how he carried me the whole way though nursing school (and my entire flippin life) and will carry me until I arrive to my final destination! He has gone ahead of me and already knows what my future looks like & holds it in his massive, tender hands!! What do I have to fear?

Running on E

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance that what we hope for will come about and the certainty that what we cannot see exists.

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.

2 Timothy 2:13 If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful because he cannot be untrue to himself.

This past week, I have realized how embarrassingly little faith I have in such a huge and faithful God. 

I'll try to make this story short, which as you may know is not a skill of mine. I was in a not so familiar backwoods town for clinicals with my gas gauge below the E, no cash, a time constraint, and an impending snow storm. I stopped at the first gas station- which looked like the town center of drug sales, risked my life and darted in to pay with my american express and head off... But of course they didn't take my card. This happened twice, as I continued driving into what seemed to be more into the center of the redneck ghetto. I had prayed the entire car ride, telling God/ really telling my self "God is bigger than my problems" [repeat x100]. Even though I said it, the truths of that statement didn't really settle in because I begun to get upset with God OVER GAS!?! The dumbest things ever were said in my head to Him " I trusted you. Why aren't you helping me? I thought you said you would provide for me." Of course a minute into my psychotic break down I arrived to a main street with a real gas station, and witnesses and was able to fill up my tank. 

As I was filling up I realized how faithless I was... Faith is believing that "what we hope for will come...and what we cannot see exists". I believe God will provide for me when my gas gauge is above E or even on it, I believe God will provide on me when my credit card is not declined, I have a paycheck coming in and my parents have jobs, I believe God will provide for me when I have a job lined up after graduation... and sadly, I've believed that is faith. It's not. Faith is believing all these things to be true when there is no gas in the tank, when there is no paycheck coming in, when you are absolutely clueless of what is ahead of you... but you know... you are "certain" that God still holds your future and He will carry you through. The best part of my faithless adventure- is realizing no matter how little my faith may be, God will continue to be faithful FOREVER.

If you want to learn more about walking by faith and not by sight check out Hebrews 11 & this amazing getty song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXB8ihepUpE

A New Year Revolution

           I shadowed in the Emergency Department last week- not much blood and guts if you were wondering- but I did over hear one of the nurses talking about his "New Years Revolution". No one had the heart to correct him cause he was so passionate about his resolution but we all chuckled every time he said it. As I got to thinking about mine, I realized that a New Year Revolution, worked much better than a Resolution for me this year. 

          A "revolution" as per Wiki (where I get all my facts from ;) )" is a fundamental change in power... that takes place in a relatively short period of time." That is what my heart needs- a revolution!

          When I reflected back on my 2012 year, the first thing I realized was how much I have allowed my heart to complain. I think I have complained about something each day of 2012! I don't like that one bit- but hey, what am I going to do about it? Complain? - Not this time succa!

      I had/have a serious heart issue (Breathe! It's not medical... but, yes you can bring me flowers and soup). I have a ungrateful, selfish, prideful heart, that thinks I deserve more than I do, that doesn't realize all that I have, and believes the center of the universe is where I reside. Que bible verse that cuts the heart & convicts my soul:

2 Corinthians 4:15 Indeed, everything is for your benefit, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to increase to God's glory.

         Being thankful is not some "christian" thing I am supposed to do... it is a natural reaction to the goodness of God that should be woven into every fiber of my being. Thanksgiving increases God's glory and my attitude is something that does the opposite of what my existence is made to do- glorify God! This year I aim to revolutionize my heart (obvi God is the one whose really doing it), to change the power from being in my hands to giving it over to God... yet again. I have decided to thank God for at least three things- real, specific, meaningful blessings, every morning, and at least one thing has to be a blessing I have never thanked Him for before. For me this means, no more vague prayers of "thanks for everything you have done" or the "thanks that I'm not as bad off as that person" prayers... but The "Thanks for this beautiful picture of creation I have in front of me this morning with the sun shining over the trees, and the breath that I am taking right now because I know- I do KNOW- that it could be gone in just in a second. Ps. you are amazing" prayers.

Being thankful is not telling God you appreciate the fact that your life is not in shambles. If that is the basis of your gratitude, you are on slippery ground. Every day of your life you face the possibility that a blessing in your life may be taken away. But blessings are only signs of God's love. The real blessing, of course, is the love itself. Whenever we get too attached to the sign, we lose our grasp on the God who gave it to us. Churches are filled with widows who can explain this to you. We are not ultimately grateful that we are still holding our blessings. We are grateful that we are held by God even when the blessings are slipping through our fingers. 
-Craig Barnes

I know that seems pretty simple, and it is likely that I will continue to complain about things in my life, but I believe that God is more capable at keeping me to this, and bringing about this change that my life so desperately needs!

Just a Few of the million in one things I am thankful for from 2012 in pictures:

2012- God has brought me through 12 months, >150 tests of the rigorous accelerated nursing program! He has allowed me to see and be a part of 2 of my wonderful friends put their faith in Him! He has kept baby t (Titus) sane through Air force boot camp (He joined the guard!). He has reminded me countless time that His love is never ending and yes, He is worth it all. 

I choose Joy!

Right now I am currently waiting in line to ask the financial aid director if he would release the money from my scholarship before tuition is due so I don't get my kicked out of my classes.

I came here after spending the first 5 hours of my day at the children's center working with severely disabled children, then I called the financial aid office to try to settle my loans/scholarships. After being put on hold for 30 min I decided to drive over to campus, which is where I found out the office had moved. So I drove over to the new make-shift financial aid office, where I waited in three lines received 2 numbers and have waited about 2 hours to speak to someone. (I may have forgot to mention I hung up with them on the phone when I came to line number 2 and I saw the  phones not being answered and constantly being silenced).
Waiting in lines is not my thing. To be honest, in general- patience is not my thing. But it has been something I have stupidly and innocently asked God for over and over. I ask him for patience when I curse in my mind at the idiot who just pulled out in front of me on the highway, and when my school once again brings up a new assignment that is due within a few hours. It's in these moments I realize I'm going to have premature heart problems because I can  feel my blood pressure rising,  my heart rate increase and my patience running awfully thin.

... and here I find myself waiting in line, now one spot away from someone who may or may not be able to assist me.


It is here in line that I am reminded of the tremendous gifts I have been given. The gift of life. The gift of technology, and the ability to blog while I am waiting in line. It is here I am reminded of the gift of speech, the ability to walk, and make my own meals which is a gift the dear children I played with this morning have not been given. It is here that I thank God for an opportunity to pray for those around me as I can feel the anger and frustration building from long lines, little help and hot weather.

Today I chose to rejoice, because of Jesus I am free to stop wallowing in self-pity and seeing how awful my life is compared to what I wish it was, and rejoice at the life, and that path that God has chosen for me today.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. -Psalm 13:5

How can I rejoice with you in God's plan for your life?

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Phillipians 4:6

Hey friends! An update has been long overdue.
I have been super busy and overwhelmed with school so I didn’t have time to reflect on what God has been doing in my life, and showing me recently which meant I definitely didn’t have time to type it up and share it.
And then I realized that ^ was stupid.
Why would I not make time to think about how wonderful a Savior I have and how he has been revealing Himself to me?
During the past few weeks school has been consuming larger amounts of my time leaving less time for friends, family, rest and God. Being the genius that I am (who needed spell check to spell genius correctly) I prioritized to help me cope and get the important things done. Being the idiot that I am, I had the right plan wrong choices. I prioritized school and sleep and fit in friends and family where I could and then remembered God when other people mentioned Him. [Side note: How awful would you feel if your best friend only remembered you other people brought you up, and never listened or spent 1-on-1 time with you. Worst friend ever.] I didn’t excel in anything. I have maintained my B average. I have been unusually tired even though I get a full night’s sleep. I actually slept through the time I was supposed to be hanging out with a friend. I have not been a good listener to my family and an even worse one for the Spirit. I didn’t think I was stressed- but I was. Not because of all the stressors in my life, but because I didn’t take the one antidote to stress- Peace in Christ.
Joseph Scriver knew stressors very well. In fact his fiancé drowned the day before their wedding. It was through one of the greatest losses in his life that he came to know Jesus and it was through his dying that he wrote about how to have peace and solace through grief’s, sorrows, sins, discouragements, trials, temptations, and losing friends. To his mother, who would be left alone after his death, he wrote:

“Oh what peace we often forfeit,
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry,
Everything to God in prayer.”

This is true of my life. I find myself frustrated, bitter, angry and depressed about the smallest things. I falsely comfort myself by thinking other people have greater problems instead of comforting myself by the God of all comfort (2cor.1:3-4). I’m not saying other people don’t have bigger problems, but no matter how big or small your situation is God is over it and he wants so badly to be a part of it so that He can show me how great He is. All I have to do to relieve myself of stress is give it to God. Being as easy as that, Why then do I find myself stressing out? My self nursing diagnosis is: stress overload related to knowledge deficit of the never-ending mercies of God. Fortunately for me, God intervened and reminded me how great a friend He is.