This week I was deceived to believe that I deserved a certain level of love, respect and attention and if I didn't feel like I got it I could satisfy it myself. I found out that the more I tried to satisfy myself the more dissatisfied I was with everything. I even tried doing "christian" things like serving others, and trying to be encouraging others- when my intent in serving and encouraging was really to be served and encouraged. It's stupid when I say it to myself but I think I trick myself into this more often than I would like to admit.
Motive's really do matter. The end doesn't justify the means. How you live your life, how you make your decisions, what you do to achieve really does matter. Don't believe that it doesn't.

This week God has shown me his promise to keep me, to love me, to bless me, to not forget me, and to make me more like Him. For every time I wander and find myself lured away and dissatisfied he brings me back, disciplines and restores me. I knew, and am reminded this week, and am sure to spend the rest of eternity knowing that I am most satisfied in life, in love when I am most satisfied in it's source. I may not be where I have planned to be, but I am where God has planned me to be- and it is so much better than ditch I would have gotten myself into.

"I'll stay where You've put me;
I will, dear Lord, Though I wanted so badly to go;
I was eager to march with the 'rank and file,'
Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.
I planned to keep step to the music loud,
To cheer when the banner unfurled,
To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,
But I'll stay where You've put me.

I'll stay where You've put me; I'll work, dear Lord,
Though the field be narrow and small,
And the ground be fallow, and the stones lie thick,
And there seems to be no life at all.
The field is Thine own, only give me the seed,
I'll sow it with never a fear;
I'll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,
And rejoice when the green blades appear;
I'll work where You've put me.

I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord;
I'll bear the day's burden and heat,
Always trusting Thee fully; when even has come
I'll lay heavy sheaves at Thy feet.
And then, when my earth work is ended and done,
In the light of eternity's glow,
Life's record all closed, I surely shall find
It was better to stay than to go;
I'll stay where You've put me."

***

"Oh restless heart, that beat against your prison bars of circumstances, yearning for a wider sphere of usefulness, leave God to order all your days. Patience and trust, in the dullness of the routine of life, will be the best preparation for a courageous bearing of the tug and strain of the larger opportunity which God may some time send you."